Oh, man, I’m Dead! I am so Dead! Mr. Jameson is actually going to kill me this time!
Two weeks now. For the last two weeks, he’s been yelling at me to get some new pictures of Spiderman. I took seven pictures of myself as Spidey last week from different angles. There was one of me swinging through the air. Another one of me rescuing a cat from a tree (what? that actually does happen. I don’t get to pick who needs my help). And five other pictures, all great resolution, great lighting and great angles.
Okay, Maybe they Weren’t all Great
And you know what J.J. does? He rejects all of them. He says he’s already got enough pictures of Spiderman doing his usual thing. Says the public is bored of the same old kinds of photographs.
Well, sorry, J.J. Sorry I haven’t had time to up my look and keep things interesting for your readers while I try to SAVE THE WHOLE CITY! Last month I had a run in with the Sandman, and the only thing I was thinking about while trying to dodge mountains of killer sand was “Gee, I wonder how I can make this fight visually interesting for readers of the Daily Bugle?”
How Interesting Can Sand Look, Anyway?
This whole week I’ve been so busy with school I haven’t had time to hunt for any new Spiderman shots. Today is the last day of the deadline J.J set for me, and I still have no pictures of Spiderman that he’d like. I have to come up with something new for J.J. in the next few hours, or I’m fired.
I’m heading right now to the dockyard downtown. I’ve heard on the police radio that Rhino is busting through cargo boxes screaming something about a smuggled bag of diamonds. Or was it a smuggled bag of almonds? Either way, he was screaming about something.
A couple of juicy shots of Spiderman engaged in pitched battle with Rhino ought to keep J.J happy. At least, as happy as he’s capable of being. Even if I manage to get a close-up shot of Spidey punching Rhino right in the kisser, Jonah will probably start complaining that I always bring him photos of Spiderman wearing the same clothes. He’d actually complained to me once that the fact that Spiderman always wears the exact same outfit makes ninety percent of my photos unusable.
The funny thing is, Mary Jane’s been complaining about my fashion sense, too. Only she was telling me that Peter Parker needs to dress better, not Spiderman. That’s why she’s taking me shopping today for some new clothes and shoes. Provided I can wrap up this business with Rhino first, get some good pictures of the fight, head over to the Bugle to deliver them to J.J. and save my job. Three dates in one day, and the first of them with a guy who wants to decorate the streets of Queens with my insides.
If I had a Nickel for Every Villain who Wants to do That, I’d have like 20 Bucks
I try to tell MJ that Peter Parker can’t afford to dress too nice. Considering the number of times in a day I have to duck out of a room to change into Spiderman, the more inconspicuous my look is, the better.
And Spiderman? Look, I wish I could be like Tony Stark. Not only is the Iron Man suit the coolest armor in the world, but Mr. Stark is always dressed like he’s going to a Hollywood cocktail party in his regular life too. Thor’s got those dopey wing things in his helmet, but he’s also built like a WWE wrestler, so people only ever notice his arms. Hulk’s got a pretty terrible fashion sense, with those ripped purple pants he’s always wearing. But who’s going to tell Hulk he needs to change his look? Not even Deadpool would be that dumb.
And he’s Really Dumb
I designed my costume to be practical, not stylish. Low wind resistance. Bright colors that pop at night and usually send two-bit thugs scurrying away without even trying to put up a fight. Do I wish I could wear something cooler? Of course. I’d love to wear the kind of clothes Flash is always wearing. Johnny Storm always manages to look sharp both as himself and as the human torch. I could ask him for tips.
In fact, I was just reading about a Kickstarter campaign created by an apparel and footwear company. They’d created really awesome looking customer shirts and footwear that’s been designed by NYC artists. And you know what’s really cool? They even have custom Spiderman sneakers designs based on me. I wish I could’ve gotten in touch with them to ask them to put one up of me fighting against Venom and Carnage. That would look really cool on a shirt.
Anyway, I wish I could wear that stuff as Spiderman. Something cool and artistic. And the campaign says it’ll donate part of the proceedings to support art education, so that’s pretty cool too…
You know what, I think I’m gonna wear them! Maybe not a Spiderman T-shirt. That’ll mess with my movements, but I can wear the custom Spiderman shoes. Yeah, that’s right, Spiderman can be cool too! J.J. will finally be happy to get photos of Spiderman with a new look. Mary Jane will love the fact that I’m wearing something new and stylish. Man, now I can’t wait to get back home and place the order on Kickstarter.
And Maybe Start a Campaign for New Web shooters!
But all that will have to wait. I’ve reached the dockyard, and I can see Rhino tearing through a ship’s mast right in front of me. And he is… holding a giant bag of almonds. Weird. Guess ordering the sneakers will have to wait. Because this is where the ‘Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman’ gets to earn his title by lending the police a hand!